Recently, I was invited to be a guest speaker at an event celebrating local authors. If you watch a recording of my appearance from that night, you’ll see that I looked confident, calm, and composed. I delivered a five-minute elevator pitch about my book and answered questions with ease.
But what you didn’t see is that right before I began to speak, I said a silent prayer:
“God, I ask that Your spirit calm my thoughts and speak through me. I need You. In Jesus name, Amen.”
The truth is that the woman who appears brave on social media and in person has actually struggled with anxiety since childhood. It’s not just mild anxiety; I’ve experienced panic attacks and persistent overthinking that kept me awake at night. Thankfully, it has improved over time, and the attacks are less frequent now. However, there are still a few triggers that affect me to this day:
- change, impending events, and the unexpected
- trying something completely new, where I am in the direct spotlight
Honestly, I prefer to stay in my own bubble, prioritizing stability and engaging in activities my mind assesses as low risk. When it comes to preparing for something new, my thought process starts with overthinking whether to agree or decline. Once I make a decision to say yes, I start off feeling calm, but as the days count down and the clock ticks away, my anxiety slowly builds. If the task is particularly challenging, my mind immediately thinks about “running away”—and I mean that literally.
Have you ever heard of fight or flight? Well, I am a flyer. “A Falcon ain’t got nothing on me lol”.
For the speaking engagement, I rewrote my speech three times, rearranging the structure and tone each time. I find speeches frustrating because I prefer free-form writing. I enjoy allowing my thoughts to flow naturally, which feels more authentic and works best for me. However, with formal speeches, I have to be more methodical to avoid appearing unprepared or rambling. The pressure to adhere to a strict structure can ironically lead me to overthink my words instead of helping me stay focused.
On the day of the presentation, as I read my notes one last time before stepping up to the podium, I could feel my nerves still shaking my body. Despite feeling prepared, the urge to flee was overwhelming. I wanted to change my mind, escape, and do anything but stand in front of the audience. However, I had already committed to doing it, so there was no turning back.
I went up front, prayed, and God took over.
The Zipporah everyone heard speaking wasn’t Zipporah at all, but the Holy Spirit. He is the one who helped me remember the points I wrote down. He is the one who steadied my breath. He is the one who gave me the answers to the questions. He is the one who provided the strength I needed.
There have been times in my life when I prayed for my triggers to disappear. I hoped that one day I could step out of my comfort zone without feeling a knot in my stomach beforehand. I wished for the ability to face change without overthinking and questioning everything. Perhaps God has that day planned for me. But for now, He holds my hands and walks with me through these moments, reminding me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV). The more I grow, the more I appreciate the thorns in my side because they keep me humble. They remind me of my dependence on the Lord.
I need Him at all times.
“….Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 cont. NIV)
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